My wife was looking for prompts, so I guess I found some. They’re for writing/art/whatever and anyone can use them if they please.
1. Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
2. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
3. A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
4. Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
5. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
7. The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
8. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
9. Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.
10. Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
11. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
12. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
13. I can resist everything except temptation.
14. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
15. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
16. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Art is a lie that makes us realise truth.
18. There are only two types of women – goddesses and doormats.
19. Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.
20. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
21. Love and reason keep little company together.
22. Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy.
23. You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.
24. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
25. Treaties are like roses and young girls — they last while they last.
26. Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade.
27. Be good and you will be lonely.
28. I know I’m not clever but I’m always right.
29. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
30. A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
31. The good ole days weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.
32. I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints – The sinners are much more fun.
33. I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.
34. She will promise you more than the Garden of Eden, then she’ll carelessly cut you, and laugh while you’re bleeding.
35. I have been a fool for lesser things.
36. I do not seek. I find.
37. Man loves little and often: Woman much and rarely.
38. There’s a little bit of hooker in every woman. A little bit of hooker and a little bit of God.
39. Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
40. Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget.
41. What girls do to each other is beyond description. No Chinese torture comes close.
42. A woman can hide her love for 40 years, but her disgust and anger not for one day.
43. If men swear that they want to harm you when you are asleep, you can go to sleep. If women say so, stay awake.
44. The god of death, the wind, the underworld, the ever-burning entrance to hell, the knife-edge, poison, serpent, and fire – women are all of these in one.
45. Men make angry music and it’s called rock-and-roll; women include anger in their vocabulary and suddenly they’re angry and militant.
46. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
47. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
48. Heaven goes by favour; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
49. Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.
50. Whatever you say, say it with conviction.
51. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
52. To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.
53. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
54. The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
55. Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
56. Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
57. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
58. When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself.
59. I’ve never let my school interfere with my education.
60. Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
61. Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
62. Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.
63. Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
64. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
65. Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.
66. I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
67. All history, of course, is the history of wars.
68. Last night you were, unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me . . . Do it again.
69. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
70. Be careful what you wear to bed at night, you never know who you’ll meet in your dreams.
71. Sooner or later we all sleep alone.
72. The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
73. A rose without thorns is like love without heartbreak; it doesn’t make sense.
74. Of all that is written, I love only what a person has written with his own blood.
75. Drive on. We’ll sweep up the blood later!
76. Politics, n: Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites.
77. Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused.
78. Don’t talk to me about Naval tradition! It’s nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.
79. Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest.
80. Try everything once except folk dancing and incest.
81. I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
82. The first casualty when war comes is truth.
83. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
84. If you see the magic in a fairy tale, you can face the future.
85. When fairy tales are written in the west, they’re known as folklore. In the east, fairy tales are called religions.
86. What an excellent day for an exorcism.
87. He never comments during negotiations.
88. I thought it would be impossible for somebody to get that unlucky again. So much went wrong; they had everything but locusts.
89. A master of the torturing arts.
90. True love stories never have endings.
91. Be amusing, never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.
92. In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
93. I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.
94. This is the second time I’ve hosted the Emmy’s after a national tragedy.
95. They’re a good duo. They should have a radio show.
96. It’s definitely a heterosexual feeling, but it’s directed at you.
97. In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience.
98. But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie.
99. There has been only one Christian. They caught and crucified him early.
100. Know something, sugar? Stories only happen to people who can tell them.